Starcrash

...holy...crap.

If you love B movies then this puppy is about to become your new holy grail. Sitting through this film was a lot like watching a ten car pile up on the highway. You don't want to look but you just can't turn away. This is a movie that was clearly trying to ride the Star Wars sensation at the time and failing miserably. This film had a budget of about ten dollars and I think they spent it on a lite bright set. This movie is so bad it revels in how bad it is. To say that it bends believability is an understatement. It also features a too young to be believed David Hasselhoff as the son of the noble galactic emperor and the emperor is played by none other than Christopher Plummer. I'm telling you they must have been blackmailing him or something to be in this load of crap. Some of its highlights include:

Stars that are so colorful they could give a kid convulsions.
The lamest bad guy I've ever seen...ever.
A blatant lightsaber ripoff.
Space ships that were clearly constructed from plastic Toys R Us models.
Torpedoes that go through space station windows that do not cause everyone to get sucked out into space.
Soldiers hiding in said torpedoes.
A space station shaped like a frigging hand.
Jumping cavemen.
A planet of amazon women.
A hick robot.
Space swimming (don't ask).
A giant head with tentacles.
A 50 foot tall amazon woman robot complete with nipples.
A floating city being used as a battering ram.

As you can see Starcrash has something for everybody...if you happen to live in an insane asylum. If you can get your hands of this film watch it. It literally has to be seen to be believed. Although be warned, viewing it can result in permanent brain damage.

Bad Santa

I think this movie is loosely based on my life. He's mean, he's an alcoholic, and he beats up kids. What's not to like about this film??? Finally a Christmas movie that talks to me!

Salem's Lot (1979 Original not that remake crap)

Here's some advice. If a dude that looks like this moves into your neighborhood, move the f*ck out! Seriously, this dude can't even remotely pass for human. He crushes crucifixes, snaps necks, drinks blood, needs an orthodontist, has some kind of funky skin condition and is in desperate need of Visine. If doesn't take Einstein to figure out there's something not quite right with this guy.

So long story short. Vampire comes to town, starts infecting people, town quickly gets overrun with f'ing vampires and the town of Salem's Lot turns into one big clusterf*ck. The only one that can save you is David Soul who for some reason is trying to take this job on without Starsky and Huggie Bear, and the cool car is now a crappy jeep. Wait a sec; did I say David Soul is the only one that can save you? That's not entirely accurate cause he pretty much doesn't save anybody. Let's see:

Priest...dead.
Girlfriend...dead.
Girlfriend’s father...dead.
Everyone in the f'ing town...dead.
Local kid...saved himself.

Nope I don't think having David Soul on your vampire slaying team is going to up your odds of survival.

Wild Wild West

Total total crap.

Halloween III

Here's a plot for you. Crazy Irish toymaker with an army of robots who have the ability to tear your skull apart and then dump gasoline on themselves and incinerate to hide their tracks (where's the body???) and stonehenge plans to kill every child in the world with supernatural microchips that shoot laserbeams attached to cheap K-Mart rubber Halloween masks and when the enchanted T.V. commercials play the kids who are wearing the masks have their heads explode and plagues of locusts, roaches and God knows what come bursting out and kill every one in the vicinity...BRILLIANT!!! ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT!!!

Frankenfish

I'm not joking this is a real film that people paid to have made. No joke dude.

Three giant genetic freak fish with more teeth than a pack of sharks invade the Louisiana bayou (fancy name for gator, insect and trailer trash infested swamp) and start doing what genetic freak fish do...eat anything that moves. They swim along biting the heads off of people, in some cases biting the bodies off of gators leaving the head (it's a Frankenfish thing, I don't pretend to get it). Our heroes have to stop them. Of course there's the usual surprise plot twist that isn't really a surprise, the big game hunter had them deliberately released so that he could hunt them. In your typical horror film ending, main character and girl live. Everybody else including Frankenfish dies and baby Frankenfish leave open possibility for sequel. Dear God please don't let that happen. Watching this film was like watching an accident on the highway. If you're looking to give your kids brain damage and the lead paint chips aren't working quite fast enough for you, make your kids sit through this swamp crap and I guarantee you you're problems are over.

*Note: Notice how its from the same director who wants to remain nameless who made that other cinematic jewel "Spawn"...I rest my case.

Transformers

Alien transforming robots come to earth looking for "the spark" which is a cube of immense power that looks disturbingly like the puzzle box from Hellraiser. In the process of searching for said box both robot factions proceed SMASH THE LIVING CRAP OUT OF EVERYTHING THEY SEE. The name of his film should have been "Massive Collateral Damage" cause that was all I could see (ok, alot of it was pretty awesome). But this film does teach a few lessons which should be common knowledge but Shia Labeouf seems to lack. Let me give you an example.

When a 20 foot tall transforming alien robot with sharp blades all over it asks you if your screen name is "Ladiesman217" you say NO!

When a group of heavily armed government agents bust into your home and ask if you're Sam you say NO!

When a whole group of transforming alien robots is smashing your city to frigging hell and the good robot hands you the Hellraiser puzzle box (aka "The Spark") and says "get it to safety", you say NO!

That said, not the worst film I've ever seen (see previous entry).

Evil Bong

Now there are bad movies and there are bad movies. This is a BAD movie. This movie is about a demonically possessed bong that takes he to partakes of the weed to bong world (which is loaded with strippers) and then kills them. The more the bong kills the more powerful it gets with its ultimate goal being to take over the world. I have no idea how a bong is supposed to do this. This movie made me deeply contemplate the hour and a half of my life that I'm not getting back in the end but that's the risk you run when you've got something that looks like Woodstock meets the Muppet's. Needless to say this film had all the top quality we've all come to expect from a Tommy Chong movie.

Tommy, it's been 40 years. You really dig pot...we get it already.

John Carpenter's The Fog

This puppy's an all time classic thiller that I personally love cause nothing says horror to me like a bunch of undead seafarers with leprosy that carry swords and sharp metal hooks. These guys are kind of ticked off that their ship sunk and their gold stolen by the founding fathers of the town of Antonio Bay so they decide to come back at the 100 year anniversery of the town to raise some serious hell.

They get off to a decent start when they hack up three drunk fishermen. Then the town's resident mentally unbalanced priest Father Malone discovers his grandfather's diary and trust me grandpa was pretty out there too (that and he helped kill a bunch of lepers and steal some gold). Then all hell breaks loose. Next thing you know you've got a giant glowing f'ing fog creeping up the town (guess what's in it) and the survivors hole up in the church with crazy Hal Holbrook and they also try to take out Adrianne Barbeau who's hiding on the top of the radio station/lighthouse. In the end they give the lepers back the gold which was conveniently melted into the form of a giant cross which was hidden in the church and they go away...until the last 5 seconds when they come back for Hal Holbrook.

This movie taught me the most important life lesson I ever learned. If you are in your house and you look out the window and your place is surrounded by a glowing fog and then somebody comes banging on the door carrying what look to be some sort of hooked sharp metal thing do not, I repeat do not OPEN THE FRIGGIN DOOR!!!

The Plague

The Plague starring James "what the hell happened to my career" Van der Beek. Here's the plot in a nutshell. A "plague" infects the world causing all the children to go comatose (which is what happened to me when I sat through this crap). Ten years later all the kids wake up, they're zombie like and have a homicidal rage directed toward anyone over twenty years old. For some inadequately explored reason the military is powerless to stop them. To say that this film stretched the boundaries of believability would be like saying that Mariah Carey's "Glitter" was a smash hit.

The Poseidon Adventure

Here's the scenario. You're on a boat, boat gets capsized. Boat filling with water and you have to get the hell out of there. What you need is an elite team to get your ass out! What finer team could you have then, the craziest priest you can possibly find (fortunately for you U.S.S. Poseidon has one in stock and he's your leader). You also get an old fat chick, her doddering husband, a crippled guy, a prostitute, a visibly drunk Ernest Borgnine, an idiot teenager, a hat salesman and one average 10 year old kid who happens to know more about the ship than the freaking chief engineer!

With a team like this you can't loose!...99% of the survivors.

War of the Worlds

Finally a movie that shows the full range of Tom Cruise's acting abilities! You see Tom, Tom runs away from alien, Tom drives away from alien, then Tom runs away again from alien, Tom hides in basement from alien, Tom runs away from alien...again, Tom sails away from alien, Tom runs into military, Tom runs away from military, Tom runs away from alien (pattern forming here kids), aliens get a cold and die.

This dude range!

Night of the Living Dead 3D

I don't know what was scarier, the price I paid for this crap or the fact that someone would make a film this bad! My God in heaven, someone has to take responsibility for this. This was a film that had it all. The worst acting I've ever seen, the worst script and don't even get me started on the top notch acting skills! To say dissapointment would be an understatement. Don't be fooled, George Romero had nothing to do with this film (and it shows). Apparently the original film was never copyrighted properly and now it's public domain. Hence some idiots who thought they could do a remake managed to fuck up one of the all time best films in history. I hope you burn in hell!

By the way, should I really be suprised that all that almost every character in this film smoked pot?...I think not.