Diary of the Dead

Anybody who knows me knows that I love zombie movies so when I found out this little gem was coming to DVD I booked on down to the local Blockbuster. Once again George Romero does not fail to please.

In this one a group of college students and their raging alcoholic professor are in the woods making a horror movie when word comes over the radio that the fucking dead are rising and eating people. Needless to say they decide to leave. Then it's pretty much evading zombies while trying to get to various homes looking for survivors. Along the way they encounter some interesting characters my favorite being Samuel the totally psycho deaf Amish guy. Wish he would have had a bigger part. They also encounter a group of looters who look like Black Panther wannabes and get robbed by the National Guard (nice). They finally end up at the mansion of their wealthy friend Ridley who promptly gets zombified and goes on a homicidal murder spree. All of the characters were enjoyable but I find it interesting to note that the one I liked the least was Jason Creed the guy who was making the horror movie who then decides to film the whole experience of a zombie infestation.

Creed took every opportunity to prove what a complete dick he was by never lifting a finger to help anyone. He becomes totally obsessed with filming everything (ala Blair Witch) to the point that he not only alienates everybody including his girlfriend but manages to get his dumb ass killed.

I enjoyed this movie enough to watch it 4 times over a 2 day rental and I think you'll like it too. The acting was good, music was good and the make up and special effects were top notch. Personally I would have put in a few more zombies (like in Dawn of the Dead) and I would have tweaked the ending a bit. It does kind of leave you hanging a little but when you think about it there's no way the few survivors at the end were ever getting out of there alive. It's definitely worth a rental and you won't feel like you got cheated by Hollywood again. Enjoy!

Mission to Mars

I like Jerry O'Connell. I always thought he was a good actor and very underused. Jerry, even if you need the work get somebody to read the script before you take the work. This movie was mind numbingly boring. Here's your major plot points:

1. Mars mission in trouble.

2. Rescue mission sent.

3. Alien artifact shows up and does crazy shit.

That's it. The major problem with that is that it still leaves you with an hour and a half to fill and that's where the movie slowed down to a crawl. If you're a true science fiction buff and have always wanted to experience a time warp then rent this movie. By the time the end credits start rolling you'll be convinced that you've traveled a month into the future on your couch.

*I guess I don't need to tell you that those words on the DVD cover "thrilling" and "exhilarating" are complete fucking lies right?

Red Planet

With all of the coverage of the Mars Phoenix lander I rented a couple of movies Mars related. We'll start with Red Planet starring Val Kilmer. Holy crap man, if you ever wanted a reason to never go to another planet under any circumstances this is the film for you.

If I was Val I would have been convinced that this trip was cursed from the start. The damn ship gets hit by a solar flare and catches fire, then the landing module crashes, the science officer ruptures his spleen and corks off, the living habitat is destroyed, the robot scout goes berserk and goes on a murderous rampage, there are freaky Martian bugs that eat anything...including you and just to top it all off the only way back up to the ship is to stuff yourself into an old broken Russian probe and blast yourself into space.

This movie made me tired just by watching it. All in all I liked it, the effects were good, the cast was good together, no shortage of surprises and just the right amount of humor. Definitely worth a rental.

The Golden Compass

Right off the bat I've got to say that somebody need to tell Nicole Kidman to fire her fucking agent. I don't know who this dude is but she's been getting some pretty crappy roles lately and I love Nicole Kidman. Being a fan of the Steampunk genre I had some pretty high hopes for this movie but they came crashing down in a ball of fire bigger than the Hindenburg. This movie was so obviously attempting to ride the Lord of the Rings / Narnia wave it wasn't even funny and it failed miserably. It had way too many characters that were just plain unlikeable and the plot was near incomprehensible. There are supposes to be two more film in this series but frankly I can't see this movie grossing enough money to warrant them. Hang on I'll check...ok, it made 26.1 million in the U.S. and 55 million overseas for a total of 81.1 million. That might not sound like the worst failure in the world until you account for the fact that it cost 180 million to make (not including marketing this crap) so yeah, it's a friggin flop. I watched this movie twice and I'm still not certain exactly what the hell was going on. Did I mention that all of the characters were ANNOYING. Yes dear friends that very much includes the polar bear. While we're at it somebody needs to call up Sam Elliot and tell him to get some RANGE! I mean for heavens sake man every role he's in he plays the exact same cowboy character. Even in a bloody fantasy film! You can make a whole career by playing the same character??? Well I shouldn't be too surprised Kevin Costner did it.

If your idea of a good time is sitting through a film that will make you pray for it to please end then maybe The Golden Compass is up your alley. I'm glad I rented it because if I would have paid theater prices to see this one I would have been pissed!

...and it was too long.

Dungeons & Dragons II: Wrath of the Dragon God

Wow, I can't believe they actually made a sequel to that crap. My God. Direct to DVD of course.

In this one, Ishmir (minus the budget) is in danger as Damodar returns for revenge in the far flung future and wants to release the undead dragon god so it is up to the former captain of the guard turned bureaucrat to lead your standard rag tag group of adventurers and save the kingdom, blah, blah, blah, blah.

This movie couldn't get more predictable if they tried and the costumes looked like they were picked up at Wal-Mart. The acting was mediocre at best but I will say that a couple of the characters were more likable than anyone in the first film. I give this sucker two flushes up!

Gamerz

Here's a movie about a D&D geek who is picked on by everybody and then goes off to college and takes over the role playing club. The club of course consists of a belching beer guzzler, an annoying twit, and one girl who is mentally deranged and believes herself to be an elf. Enter the nemesis of the movie the game master's former buddy who tripped out on drugs while watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy and now wants into the game. Guess which one the girl goes for.

From the sound of it this film would seem to be right up my alley. Unfortunately is had one huge problem that was nearly insurmountable. No I'm not talking about the fact these are some of the ugliest people I've ever seen and will have nightmares about for the rest of my life. I'm talking about the fact that the movie takes place in Scotland, and has Scottish actors. Which means I couldn't understand a blind word they were saying half of the time! If you're looking for a completely incomprehensible film and don't feel like sitting through all 10 hours of 2001: A Space Odyssey. Then check out Gamerz....which they misspelled.

Ninja Warrior

This one is not a movie however it is very worthy of mention. If your idea of entertainment is seeing people getting really hurt in an athletic competition and laughing it off have I got a show for you.

In Ninja Warrior 100 contestants have to go through 4 stages of increasingly difficult obstacles in order to win. Throughout the whole thing one thing becomes clear. The Japanese do not feel pain the way the rest of the world does. These people fall from insane heights, slam face first into objects and suffer the types of impacts that should cripple the average human yet they just laugh it off and show up for the next show.

The courses on Ninja Warrior get adjusted in every new show to make them increasingly difficult, which I didn't think was possible after the first time I saw it but the Japanese have some very creative imaginations. Out of the 100 contestants who start the 1st stage less than 10 will make it to stage 2. These people come from all walks of life. Fishermen, garbage men, fire fighters, accountants, secretaries, professional athletes, military personnel, school teachers you name it. All have an equal chance to get pummelled on this course.

There are a wide assortment of ways to get your ass handed to you including but not limited to 16 foot tall warped walls, giant balls, running against conveyor belts, hand cranking yourself across a small lake, jumping off a trampoline while trying to catch a net in mid air, gripping onto a log and rolling down a track, and many, many more. All of this culminates with Stage 4, the climb of Mount Midoriyama. A steel tower in which you have to prop yourself up 30 feet by bracing your hands and feet against the walls. Then you have to grab a rope and climb up the last 30 feet. Oh yeah, and you've got 30 seconds to do that. Good luck chappy.

Some contestants never make it past the first obstacle but keep showing up none the less. Others have made the show their lives. Watch this show long enough and you will start rooting for the pros like they were baseball stars. Names like Kazhiko Akiyama, Makoto Nagano, Toshihiro Takeda, Shingo Yamamoto, Bunpei Shiratori, Katsumi Yamada and Shunsuke Nagasaki will become household names to you very quickly.

Ninja Warrior airs on the G4 network pretty much every day but check your local listings. If you've never seen it before your in for an eye popping treat and if you have then you already know what I'm talking about.

Trust me, you'll thank me for this.

Silent Hill

Silent Hill had some of the elements that I appreciate the most in the horror movie genre:

Mind numbing boredom.
Pitch black scenes where I can't see what the hell I'm supposed to be scared of.
Lack of anything even remotely resembling a plot.

I'm still trying to figure out why I didn't turn the DVD player off. This movie is two hours of your life that you will never get back. To say that this was a bad movie is like saying the Titanic had a small accident. Massive understatement.

What little I managed to piece together of the plot goes something like this: Some woman has a demented daughter so she takes her to the lovely town of Silent Hill which has more ash falling out of the sky than a Nazi death camp. She is accompanied by the scrawniest biker cop I've ever seen and the town has the usual supply of deformed demons, pyramid headed ax-wielders, and burned up witch children with tentacles made of barbed wire seeking revenge. This film is like a really bad acid trip, no matter how hard you try you can't wake up from it. It kept going back and forth so fast it made you dizzy enough to vomit all over your coffee table. Come to think of if instead of "Silent Hill" they should have titled is "Throw as Much Random Shit onto Two Hours of Celluloid as You Possibly Can" Do yourself a favor and pass on this cinematic turd.