Mission to Mars

I like Jerry O'Connell. I always thought he was a good actor and very underused. Jerry, even if you need the work get somebody to read the script before you take the work. This movie was mind numbingly boring. Here's your major plot points:

1. Mars mission in trouble.

2. Rescue mission sent.

3. Alien artifact shows up and does crazy shit.

That's it. The major problem with that is that it still leaves you with an hour and a half to fill and that's where the movie slowed down to a crawl. If you're a true science fiction buff and have always wanted to experience a time warp then rent this movie. By the time the end credits start rolling you'll be convinced that you've traveled a month into the future on your couch.

*I guess I don't need to tell you that those words on the DVD cover "thrilling" and "exhilarating" are complete fucking lies right?

Red Planet

With all of the coverage of the Mars Phoenix lander I rented a couple of movies Mars related. We'll start with Red Planet starring Val Kilmer. Holy crap man, if you ever wanted a reason to never go to another planet under any circumstances this is the film for you.

If I was Val I would have been convinced that this trip was cursed from the start. The damn ship gets hit by a solar flare and catches fire, then the landing module crashes, the science officer ruptures his spleen and corks off, the living habitat is destroyed, the robot scout goes berserk and goes on a murderous rampage, there are freaky Martian bugs that eat anything...including you and just to top it all off the only way back up to the ship is to stuff yourself into an old broken Russian probe and blast yourself into space.

This movie made me tired just by watching it. All in all I liked it, the effects were good, the cast was good together, no shortage of surprises and just the right amount of humor. Definitely worth a rental.

The Golden Compass

Right off the bat I've got to say that somebody need to tell Nicole Kidman to fire her fucking agent. I don't know who this dude is but she's been getting some pretty crappy roles lately and I love Nicole Kidman. Being a fan of the Steampunk genre I had some pretty high hopes for this movie but they came crashing down in a ball of fire bigger than the Hindenburg. This movie was so obviously attempting to ride the Lord of the Rings / Narnia wave it wasn't even funny and it failed miserably. It had way too many characters that were just plain unlikeable and the plot was near incomprehensible. There are supposes to be two more film in this series but frankly I can't see this movie grossing enough money to warrant them. Hang on I'll check...ok, it made 26.1 million in the U.S. and 55 million overseas for a total of 81.1 million. That might not sound like the worst failure in the world until you account for the fact that it cost 180 million to make (not including marketing this crap) so yeah, it's a friggin flop. I watched this movie twice and I'm still not certain exactly what the hell was going on. Did I mention that all of the characters were ANNOYING. Yes dear friends that very much includes the polar bear. While we're at it somebody needs to call up Sam Elliot and tell him to get some RANGE! I mean for heavens sake man every role he's in he plays the exact same cowboy character. Even in a bloody fantasy film! You can make a whole career by playing the same character??? Well I shouldn't be too surprised Kevin Costner did it.

If your idea of a good time is sitting through a film that will make you pray for it to please end then maybe The Golden Compass is up your alley. I'm glad I rented it because if I would have paid theater prices to see this one I would have been pissed!

...and it was too long.